One of the emphasized topics during treatment was "to find one's voice." Although I've never had a problem with my 'voice' per say. I've spent my entire life struggling to be 'heard,' when using my voice. Going to a treatment center in search of the contents I'll share in this post, is exactly why I air this journey with all of you. I KNOW there are other's out there who have walked the walk I have been walking this past year. Even if our surroundings may appear unique; grief itself, poses to be equally heavy to every grieving heart. Someone else's voice might just help open the sound of yours that you've been trying so hard to speak.
So, lets get started...............
3 NEEDS every grieving person has but may not know how to express
Expressed from personal experiences I've had during heavy grief
~~~Grieving people NEED encouraging words. "You have been through a lot! A big bowl of ice cream might be just what you're needing! " hehe...yes, this IS an encouraging word!!
There was nothing more depressing than being in a room full of depressed people while in treatment. Talk about absorbing the heavy, gloomy, and pitiful energy from a classroom weighed down by life. Most of those who taught this class, failed to counter the weight with inspiring/encouraging words. Respectfully speaking, there is such a fine and very sensitive line when dealing with grieving hearts.
We should not be treated as though we have somehow "chosen" to battle grief. Grief is chosen for us as we process our loss. Our soul experiences grief in an attempt heal from circumstances beyond our control. Something I realized after seeking treatment for grief, in a rehab center claiming to specialize in PTS and grief....A true grief therapist is very difficult to come by.
Those battling grief should never be tossed into an emotional pool that treats a grieving spirit as though they somehow "got themselves into an emotional mess."
~~~Grieving people NEED relationships. Check in once in awhile....this does not need to be a daily occurrence, but a sweet text, a short call, or a brief visit is quite doable. We don't need long drawn out time. In fact, it's preferred to keep it all simple. Which makes investing your time with someone who is grieving an investment that will cost little time from you.
We need our friends to be friends, not fixers, as grief takes time.
Even when it appears a griever may be pulling away, it is not personal, it's part of the process.
~~~Grieving people NEED validation!!! such as "I'm sorry you feel as though you're going crazy, but you're not crazy, you're hurting."
This one specific need became clear very quickly while I was in treatment. A four week program is not a lot of time to work through any grieving process, yet their step by step program had them digging way back into my childhood. My goodness, I just needed help working through this past year, and so much time was wasted digging up my well buried childhood trauma's. When in hindsight, what I really needed was to hear, "I am so sorry for your pain." and "I can't blame you for feeling the way you do."
Side note:Those of us who've worked through the long and winding road of grief have a unique ability to offer empathy to another grieving soul. Thankfully, I was able to learn what I needed from going to this four week treatment program, because I not only learned some applicable skills, but I did also learned how heavy a room full of depressed people can effect my own outlook within my own life in such a short amount of time.
Let me add emphasis to this 'need'...*in the event you're like me when it comes to a grieving person. When you're most likely to 'tuck tail' and run in the opposite direction from pure fear and heaviness... you most likely know of the heavy load grief brings to a hurting individual. One encouraging and validating word can help another with the mental stepping stones needed for an individual to walk through the dark valley of grief. We need validation specifically and most especially from others who've gotten through grief, without telling the griever all about your grieving experience. No two grievers are going to experience grief the same.
What Grieving people do NOT need
***Grieving people do NOT need your judgement or your criticism. It's an unfortunate custom(from long ago days), lost to those who were in mourning and experiencing grief. People in those days wore all black, and were extremely respected, as they walked out their grieving days. Today, we live in a world where folks are impatient, and more harsh with regard to those needing time and tenderness during the days of grief and mourning (I am not excluded from this).
***Grieving people do NOT need you to compare my grieving experience to your former days of grief....as though your hurt and pain was so much greater than the one who is currently battling grief of their own. Small sharing between two grieving folks is okay, but expecting another grieving heart, expecting them to somehow carry your grieving burdens, will only cause added pain on both people.
***Grieving people do NOT need to be left alone as if we have some sort of disease. We will most likely get through our days of grief, and let me just add, those who have the ability to walk along side a grieving heart WILL be a hero to a hurting/ grieving soul. (Grievers, like me, know we are a hot mess during the heavy days of grief. It's why grief carries a lot of shame along with it. It's why we hide and why we hold in much of the hurt and pain we're experiencing....we don't want to burden anyone else)...but we are not selfish, and we sure aren't a disease that will rub off onto you.
Listen up people!
May this truth be told and sincerely heard by those reading these words; *Grief, and it's painful path, does NOT discriminate!!! It WILL find you!
*It does not hone in on one specific religion...Atheists, Muslims, Buddhists,and Christians alike will encounter grief,
*nor does it specifically seek Asian people, black people, or white folks.
*Grief doesn't decide to focus in on those who pick up our trash each week, work in an Engineering firm, whether you are a nurse, a hair dresser, or an elementary school teacher. In FACT, Grief could care LESS if you are the president of the United States!
*Grief doesn't care if you live under a bridge, in a camper, or if you own multiple vacation homes.
*Grief will penetrate folks who make $10.00 a year, 10,000 dollars a year, 100,000, and those who earn a Bill Gates salary.
*Grief doesn't look at one's geographic location either...whether you live in Russia, Brazil, Europe, Canada, or America, grief will find you.
*Grief doesn't care if you go to a Catholic church on Saturdays, a Pentecostal church on Sundays....nor will it care if you fold your arms to pray, as the Mormon's do; whether you pray five times a day on a mat, as Muslims do; or if you scream at your members when praying (as has been my experience) as the olden day Baptist's...
*Grief could care less if you're the Kardashian's, the Clinton's, Donald Trump, or Angelina Jolie.....ALL will be effected by grief one day.
If you think you'll somehow slip through the cracks and avoid the experience of grief because you are convinced grief is a weakness in the life of one's spiritual character, look out! You're about to eat some big 'ole humble pie!
While I do not wish for it's experience to be served on anyone's plate, grief will inevitably wash over the lives of every single person who is given opportunity to live any length of time here on earth.
*Grief will stretch your limbs, and much can be learned from its long and winding journey, if one allows the wise teachings to penetrate. However, grief can also create strongholds difficult to break through, from an unprotected heart. Still, grief can begin a whole new life you never dreamed you'd live, from the choices made during, and even after you've walked it's confusing road. Grief has an ability to create experiences you'll feel blessed to have encountered for all of your living days on earth, if you hold on to your core values.
There are so many wonderful opportunities one can reflect on after you submerge from griefs heavy load. Grief also has an ability to ruin the very fibers with which one has held sacred, up until they were consumed by it's natural encounter. The effects of grief can reshape a family, and ruin a family.
How would I know? I've battled it's effects, many many years ago. You can read on if you're interested in my former experience with grief, or go about your day. There is no judgement here.
For starters, when my dad passed away, my 29 year old mind struggled to handle the fact that I was now an "orphaned young adult child." This reality and truth was magnified within my already hurting heart, from events that had occurred months prior to my dad's passing.
Spending most of our young adult lives attending one specific church, my husband and I had recently begun attending a different church. Of course, a simple decision to attend a different church should not be a dramatic decision,right? Yet, this decision sure managed to somehow become a pivotal moment in our young lives. The Evangelist of this particular church we left, announced our decision to the rest of the congregation (no biggy, if you're somehow an important leader or staff member, right? we weren't), after announcing this very personal decision, the Evangelist then instructed the members to have nothing to do with our family any further....This may not seem to be a big deal to folks reading this, or, you might appreciate the alarming concern, resulting in this type of handling....Either way you look at it, this was an extremely heartbreaking announcement we learned had happened. Every single friend we'd spent years building and shaping our friendships with, didn't appear to blink an eye from this type of twisted, indoctrinated punishment.... (Utter rejection!!! Exactly what I've been living with during this past year. Overwhelming sorrow from the rejection that has pierced my heart, yet again. Only this time, by my own child who is also going through her own grieving process.....yet, is why PTS has reared it's ugly head during this specific journey with grief...PTS stems from past trauma's, and their rooted effects I was unaware of.)
Therefore, when my dad passed away (just a few months after losing all of our closest friends), my life became an out of control mess. The load was so heavy I began doing what I could control in my life by working out every single day, running, walking, weight lifting...you name it on the work out list, I did it. I looked good and felt good......but inside my heart, I was not doing so well. I remember vividly sitting next to my husband (sobbing uncontrollably); I shared with him the fear I was experiencing. Crying out for help, nearly begging him to save me as I mumbled the words, "Something is wrong!! I feel as though I am dying inside" (much like the vision of when I sobbed in my youngest daughter's lap last year; begging her not to go back to that environment). I knew 'something' was very very wrong as I attempted to communicate my needs, attempting to shape them into words he could understand. Sadly, I'd allowed too much grieving time to slide by before reaching out for help and the enemy had already cornered me, pulling me right into his snare with my weakened state, and my inability to fight back.
If you've ever experienced grief, did you even see it coming? I sure didn't. My first experience of grief is similar to a vision of a Tsunami...One may see the large wave coming, but the mind fights back it's actual size, until it's too late. The strong current sweeps over you, and drags you out to sea. This is exactly how my first experience with grief was.
An Added NOTE to those currently GRIEVING: If you don't tend to your wounds, I assure you, the devil will gladly pour an 'imitation' type salve over them that will only offer momentary, yet very destructive relief. Bitterness, hatred, shame, and so many other stems will grow out of unattended wounds.....The enemy, unlike a close friend, or child, will NOT relent once he grasps hold of one's wounded spirit. It's what he lives for.
I confess, I failed miserably during my first experience of grief all those years ago. My heart could only tolerate so much pain, and the enemy's sole job is to steal, kill, and destroy! Losing my closest friendships and the only man on earth who loved me more than any man ever will, proved to be more than this aching soul could take. Even with the strong spiritual life I led back then, my battle wounds were too many, to deep, and I was far too weak to recognize 'the one' who stepped in to offer imitation type relief. Forced into an isolated state left me wide open for any vulture to feast on my open wounds.
That specific grieving moment, back in '99, taught me many lessons....I learned that while one can in fact lose their footing, the human spirit also has the ability to rebuild better and more solid footing. Just as the human spirit can also develop stronger and more compassionate convictions, and especially survive earth shaking sorrow, with time. Thank God, for the time He gives to those who've grown up in this very broken and hurting world.
This time around, I've been quite fair with myself, and have allotted myself time to grieve. Today, I have wonderful, AMAZING friendships with healthy people willing to walk along side me through every painful step I take. Friendships that filled the Center's mailbox while I was away seeking help with my grief, encouraging me every step of this very long and exhausting road. I thank God every day for your support, for the support of my immediate family, and my brother and his wife who respect the fighting spirit I press forward with.
For those who were once our very close friends all those years ago, I have forgiven and am sincerely not bitter from that painful experience. It did however, leave a scar... which is my own personal scar from an experience in which I have been victorious in forgiving those who followed a distorted leadership...it is my personal story worth sharing.
There is no telling how large this scar will become from the painful vision of my beautiful daughter walking away. There truly is no comparison.
DISCLAIMER: While everyone will experience grief at some point in their lives, this blog is intended to shed light on what I have realized are the needs a grieving heart has. It is not intended to minimize anyone else's battle with depression, grief, or another's individual battle they may be facing. We all have a unique story to share on the road to recovery. Specifically speaking, recovering from grief.
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