Childhood dreams, visions, and hopes are somehow embedded within most little girls. I am not sure how, but with minimal encounters of such direction or discussion, I was one of those little girls who had beautiful visions of my wedding day. Raising little girls, I had an even greater vision for their special day. While there was much fun chit chat about the beautiful brides they would one day make, it was impossible to prepare for a day where I'd be weighing out reasons to attend or not attend my own child's wedding.
`For the critic's and those who may think this decision is an easy one, you couldn't be more wrong. In fact, it has been such a tormenting one, the effects of it had a greater force that pushed me right into my emotional breakdown.
So, how does one truly recover from an emotional breakdown in which they are unable to handle one more painful situation?.....................One day at a time.....sometimes, one hour at a time....and to mentally allow yourself the grace to "be okay" that this is all you're able to do.
But............ if you're anything like me, you'll most likely be trying to recover your emotional footing at warped speed, and still be expecting a golden-see through to the other side- elevator that'll lift you right back to the top of the emotional pit you've either jumped into, fallen into, or was sadly pushed into. Two Words: S....L......O........W D...O......W........N...!.!.!.!
Be Fair with Yourself
This isn't always easy, as there are so many people who "think" you should do it 'this' way, or if they were me, they would NEVER miss their child's wedding. (eye's rolling) "Good, how 'bout you go to this wedding for me and write a sweet 'love story' about it afterwards?!?!"
Actually, I 'used to be' one of those "black and white," "get back on your feet," "buck up and suck it up" kind of people with that type of mentality. Yep, you can ask all of my closest friends, who most likely were front runners of those very words spoken to them (I have since apologized), by me. It's what many tend to use as their facebook post to prove some finger jabbing point; KARMA. (I hate those posts btw).....because the moment you yell KARMA, you become enveloped in the very circle of "karma" and you're sucked right in to where it will all come right back to you, and some other person you know will be posting KARMA, and it will be directed at you!!!.....how is it folks miss that point? (a little chuckle needed here)
If you've battled depression, anxiety, or any sort of mental trap that has held you hostage, be fair with being still. Doing only what you know you can do as you begin to work through the mental baggage, that got you into that pit to begin with.
Maybe write yourself a letter telling yourself how proud you are for the steps you've taken each day. (keep it positive)
For me, this has been a truly difficult process as I critique myself before anyone else has a chance to, and I'm pretty hard on myself. But now I've allowed myself to embrace the truth that I am still a GREAT mom, even though I will not be at my child's wedding.
Be Honest with Yourself
Listen, we all have only a slight few folks in our lives who truly genuinely care about us...truly.....so, we all have to also fight back those who believe it's their duty to criticize decisions we all make.
Be honest what you can handle and what you can't handle.
THIS is the MOST difficult one for me to embrace as it has exposes my weakness'.
One of my friends recently shared with me that I don't sound as fragile as I claim to be. That would be called, "Learned Behavior" that I picked up from the roller coaster childhood I had and growing up with four older brother's, a navy dad, and living my teenage stage in multiple foster homes. I learned how to appear 'tough' so people wouldn't mess with me, or so I'd hoped....When exposed, I became a "pick on Tracy" target (and I don't mean in a playful ornery way).
I don't know how to come across emotionally fragile....but I am an honest person and I can honestly say, without fear, regret, OR shame, I have been extremely emotionally fragile. Therefore, I've hidden myself out at our lake property and away from other's.
Last year, when my daughter lay on bed rest, there I was taking tender care of her, only to be scrutinized by that family in the most hurtful ways and there was no reason for it. I never expected my daughter to do or say anything to them, she had a baby to take care of, and I sure didn't say anything because I knew my daughter loved this boy and I didn't want one more thing to interfere with our relationship.
When hateful words were dumped onto my daughter (the day our grandson died no less), I kept my mouth shut to avoid any added salt to an enormously opened wound my daughter had having just lost her baby.
I hoped my daughter would see the truth of the difference between the two families herself. One side who continually bashed our family yet hadn't visited her one time while she lay still in bed for over a month (except her boyfriend of course), and then our side....who sent care packages, came to visit, sat with her, poured loving words of hope onto her....truth would prevail, and she'd notice the difference.....but she didn't, and she hasn't.
After Teagan's funeral, and the obvious division that was created at the funeral home, I vowed "never ever again to put myself in a situation with that family."
Listen: we all go through the journey of life and our loved one's will pass away. Christian or not, people are people and there are just moments one should set aside their own ugly attitudes for the sake of those whom we claim to love. I did that for my daughter at her son's funeral, on that families turf (so to speak). I took the other grandparents a card and a gift with respect to them losing a grandchild just as we had....not one member of that family even acknowledged ours or any of those who came on behalf of our daughter, to support this great loss. While Teagan's paternal grandfather thanked us for the gift, the paternal grandmother was the last to arrive, and the first to zip out of the funeral home avoiding all contact with any of our family and friends.
Assume responsibility
Oh, these words are thrown out so quickly, but do people really take responsibility for their own position?
My guard was down, and I allowed myself to get sucked into the emotional breakdown I had. It's no one else's fault but mine....yet it happened, and I have to now rebuild where I can rebuild, and let go of that which I am unable to withstand.
I have accepted that I cannot control who my daughter chooses to marry. But I can control further potential breakdowns, by assuming the truth that I am incapable of putting on a 'happy face' and ignoring the glares and rude behavior from this family. To simply think I can ignore it is foolish, and I've come to terms that Christian or not, I've battled in my flesh, my own hateful thoughts and believe it is a better sacrifice to avoid this wedding, than to refrain from keeping my mouth shut again.
Accept what you are able to accept
As I explained to this daughter, "if you want to get married, get married, and we will welcome him into our family and respect her decision for whom she has chosen to share her life with." But, "if you want a ceremony with all the frills and thrills of a joyous union with two families and friends supporting this union, you've chosen the wrong family, and I simply will not put myself in that situation again."
This has been a huge reality check that my weakness has it's own strength, and it's not so pretty.
I accept I am human, and I too have limits. These limits have been tested already, and I've nearly lost my salvation with the anger I've carried from last years events.
Weigh it all out
As my husband and I take responsibility that we have some anger and bitter roots to deal with, we also accept that this wedding is not a place we can set aside those differences with regards to all that has occurred. The emotional cost of our absence will be viewed far better than if we forced ourselves to attend.
Hold on to your Faith
While many in the Christian community mean well, sometimes your thoughtless words can be less than supportive, and more painful than I'm sure were intended. As I've clung to the old rugged cross these past months, there have been many soul searching moments that humbly serve as a reminder, we as Christians ought not to think of ourselves better than anyone else.
Those who tend to resolve every bit of life's circumstance with the statement "God is in Control," is nothing short of avoiding responsibility and almost points every sad situation as though God must have somehow overlooked you/me in the wallowing muck you've been in or I've been in. And frankly, I'm tired of this 'over used'-'misused'-'lack of sensitivity so it's used' quote. So please, spare me and everyone else this Cliche'. And please, as a Christian woman who has sought other Christians for their support and encouragement, either find something within your own heart to share, or a simple hug will do just fine.
Grief and sorrow will undoubtedly rock ones faith. Frankly, I don't need the questionable comments about what kind of Christian I am when there is enough questions I battle for myself, within myself.
Yet, as I pray and pray and pray through my turmoil, there has been a sense of peace that has come over my heart with the reminder that people are people....We're all flawed, we're all broken, and that is exactly why God sent his Son as our Savior. Therefore, God surrendered control to His Son through his death, and resurrection. Therefore, when someone unthinkingly quotes what is meant to be a powerful statement, this quote renders my God as some sort of game player who didn't think me worthy enough to rescue me and other hurting folks from painful situations. NO, God gave each and everyone of us "free will" to choose, and thus endure consequences of our choices. He is not to blame, WE are.
God remains my main source of comfort, and He has helped my heart to heal in ways. Each day is a new day, and some days are easier to reach out to Him than other's. Yet, He IS my hope for a better day...and while that day may not be today, or tomorrow, I try to stay fervent and trust Him.
As I've battled my fleshly anger that tempts me to react toward the injustice our family has endured, my FAITH has saved many lives and relationships because I am honest with what my flesh can handle and what my heart is too weak to handle. But that does not mean my Christian faith is less than another's. Peter cut off the centurions ear out of anger he had when his Lord was being taken away, Christ did not condemn Peter for his anger. My Faith in God's justice holds me accountable to accept the area I might instead lash out in, with anger.
Faith-Being sure of what we hope for, and certain of what we do not see.
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